A few thoughts

It is one of those mornings where I can barely see through my swollen eyelids due to my poor tear ducts working overtime yesterday. I know everyone visits this blog to get updates on Warner, but I needed a place to put a few thoughts this morning. I will say that Warner is watching me as I type this, playing in his exer-saucer and trying to eat the sunglasses I bought him. He never wears those by the way – just eats them.

I am amazed at how quickly my precious sister has declined. I went home this past Tuesday and returned just 48 hours later to find a marked difference in Meredith. She’s yellow with jaundice, and not just her eyes – her face and arms are discolored. Her legs and ankles are swelling and her hair is so thin it’s nearly gone. She can barely keep her eyes open and has started saying things that don’t make sense. It is gut wrenching to watch.

Today Meredith will have a million visitors. Her close friends from high school and college are driving to Indianapolis to see her one last time. My cousin Melanie is coming in from Atlanta and my uncle and his family are making the trip from Illinois, Kansas, and Missouri. I pray they can handle what they see.

A few days ago I thought I was ready to let go, and actually asked God to take Meredith quickly, and without pain. Now I’m not so sure. Yes, I still don’t want her in pain, and I certainly can’t imagine her living this way for much longer. But I don’t think I’m ready to let go. Are we ever ready to let go?

I don’t think I’m angry with God. I was – trust me, I was for a very long time. I don’t understand why He hasn’t healed Mere and I suppose I’ll not know this side of Heaven. I am so thankful for Him during this process, as I simply can’t imagine going through this without His comfort and the assurance of seeing my sister again in Heaven. I am also thankful for Kevin and my family and am saddened when I think about people who go through these trials alone.

I pray I will come out on the other side of this a better woman, wife, mother, daughter, and friend. I’m not sure how we’re going to get through the weeks to come. But I have to trust God will sustain us.

Feet, Food, and Fun

Warner has discovered his feet. They weren't that interesting until a few weeks ago, and now he can't get enough of them! Whether he's on the changing table, in his red chair, the tub, or on the ground, he's looking for those things! This week I also unpacked some of our baby gifts that were previously not age appropriate. One gift was Warner's high chair, seen here. I had just put it together and strapped (yes, that's right, I fastened the straps) him in to see if he liked it. He does! Since then I've refrained from using the straps - he doesn't realize he can move his arms when he's strapped in. Poor little guy.
I also put our jogging stroller together this week. Talk about a cool gadget! I'll have to post a picture soon - it sort of reclines and Warner thinks he's hot stuff riding in it. There's also a speaker on it, so I just plug my iPod into it and go. I think Warner likes my Rap Playlist the best. :)
And I just had to include this photo. Our friends Bill and Christy Griesser got this shirt for Warner, all the way from London. It says "Lock up your Daughters!". Ha! Consider yourselves warned.

Trip to the Park

It's finally getting warmer here, so last week we took Warner to the park for the first time. We went to the Boone County Arboretum, which is one of my favorite places! I used to visit the Arboretum even when we lived 20 minutes away, and now we live about 5 minutes away, so it's great! It's beautiful - complete with a huge playground, paved walking trails, a kids garden, and much more. I imagine I'll be dragging Warner there quite often.
We're not sure if Warner was that impressed with the swings, but he didn't protest during the ride either, so that's a good sign.Last week we also took another trip to Indy. Meredith had a seizure and we learned that the cancer has spread to her brain. She was in the hospital twice during our 5 day stay, but is now home and receiving outpatient radiation treatments daily. I'm sure we'll be back to visit again soon. Kevin has been so supportive of our frequent trips to visit my sister, and Warner has been amazing. He never cries in the car, he plays patiently at the hospital or at Meredith's home, and he even sleeps pretty well in his pack and play at Mere's house. I am confident God knew we needed a mild-mannered, laid-back baby for this time in our lives. We are truly blessed.