It is one of those mornings where I can barely see through my swollen eyelids due to my poor tear ducts working overtime yesterday. I know everyone visits this blog to get updates on Warner, but I needed a place to put a few thoughts this morning. I will say that Warner is watching me as I type this, playing in his exer-saucer and trying to eat the sunglasses I bought him. He never wears those by the way – just eats them.
I am amazed at how quickly my precious sister has declined. I went home this past Tuesday and returned just 48 hours later to find a marked difference in Meredith. She’s yellow with jaundice, and not just her eyes – her face and arms are discolored. Her legs and ankles are swelling and her hair is so thin it’s nearly gone. She can barely keep her eyes open and has started saying things that don’t make sense. It is gut wrenching to watch.
Today Meredith will have a million visitors. Her close friends from high school and college are driving to Indianapolis to see her one last time. My cousin Melanie is coming in from Atlanta and my uncle and his family are making the trip from Illinois, Kansas, and Missouri. I pray they can handle what they see.
A few days ago I thought I was ready to let go, and actually asked God to take Meredith quickly, and without pain. Now I’m not so sure. Yes, I still don’t want her in pain, and I certainly can’t imagine her living this way for much longer. But I don’t think I’m ready to let go. Are we ever ready to let go?
I don’t think I’m angry with God. I was – trust me, I was for a very long time. I don’t understand why He hasn’t healed Mere and I suppose I’ll not know this side of Heaven. I am so thankful for Him during this process, as I simply can’t imagine going through this without His comfort and the assurance of seeing my sister again in Heaven. I am also thankful for Kevin and my family and am saddened when I think about people who go through these trials alone.
I pray I will come out on the other side of this a better woman, wife, mother, daughter, and friend. I’m not sure how we’re going to get through the weeks to come. But I have to trust God will sustain us.
3 comments:
Hailey was requesting to see "more more babies" this morning, so we logged on to see Warner. We're all praying for you and Meredith today. We'll be giving an extra shout for peace for you today.
My dear friend you have been on my mind so much in the past few weeks. I have been praying for Meredith, but also for you. You are a wonderful soul and as hard as the next for weeks will be please know I am here for anything you might need. Even if it is to drive to Burlington and mow the lawn or clean your house! Thank you for your thoughts I have been worried about you and how you are doing.
Elizabeth
I wish there was something to say that would magically make you feel better about everything that is happening right now but there isn't. Things are going to be tough for awhile but you are strong and you will make it through. Feel free to call anytime if you need anything. I'm good listener and the boys would surely keep us smiling.
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