Grey's Anatomy

It's Meredith's fault that I watch Grey's Anatomy to begin with.

She and I drove to Chicago in the fall of 2007 for a girls weekend with my mom. Mere had been on me for a while to get up to speed on Grey's so we could discuss the newest episodes that came out. We rented the first season that weekend and watched the entire thing in my parents' basement. I'll never forget that weekend. It was a lot of tv to watch, and Mere joked that it was a tough job, but we "pressed through" (her words).

She'd laugh as drums would start to beat loudly in the background music and would say that means a commercial is coming. She said it always worked that way (and I've found she's right). And, she could often tell us when the show wasn't medically sound. Like when they talked about giving someone pain medication for a CT scan. Mere had tons of CT scans so she knew it was a painless procedure for which drugs weren't given.

From that weekend on, I started watching Grey's Anatomy. Mere and I would call each other after the show and discuss our thoughts about what had happened. She was frustrated with the Meredith/Derek relationship and thought the older seasons were better because they contained more medical drama.

Now every episode reminds me of my sister. In nearly every story line I see Mere, her battle, and my family's battle. I think about Mere and what she might think about this season. About what we'd talk about when we discuss the show. And then I cry. Sometimes really loud and obnoxious crying (I watch the show after Warner goes to bed and on the nights Kevin works so my obnoxious crying thankfully doesn't annoy anyone). I tell myself it's therapeutic, but I'm not so sure.

Meredith's death is still so fresh in my mind. I think of her last moments daily. I think of all of the years that were taken from her by the cancer. I think of her in heaven. What is she doing? What is it like there? Can she see me here on earth? Does she see how big Warner has gotten? Does she know that we're expecting another baby? Does she know how much I miss her?

The pain is raw. Still. April 22nd will be here before we know it, marking one year since she left us. A year seems like a long time. It feels like an eternity since I've seen or spoken to Meredith. But it also feels like just yesterday that she was here.
I came across this picture the other day. It was taken around the time of our Grey's marathon in Chicago, when Meredith was in the hospital. Meredith found my camera and decided I needed a few pictures of her, and took this one herself. I cherish it now. It's so Mere.

I know I'll see her again one day soon. And I'm so thankful to Jesus for that.